Desperately Depressed

The day I took the admission for MCA, I was under complete tension of; will I be able to clear the first semester? Will I be able to score good enough to go cleanly in the second year? The question remained in my mind for a long time; near about 4 months or I would say about 120 days or so! But finally, I found the answer... I didn't need anybody's help to find out the solution of my question, it was very simple and the answer was very clean, it was a complete “NO”. I had no choice than facing the situation and so I did. Still when the teacher asks me to do something about the programming, I just can’t do anything. I do only one thing and that is just sit in front of the computer and start staring at the monitor. Many questions create a new puzzle and equation in my mind and heart. I try to solve them while staring at the computer screen. The bending and reclining chair gives me more comfort in doing the process of solving equations and puzzles which had been screwing me. I guess, I’ve almost forgotten that, I have been admitted to this institution with a hell of 2 lakh rupees. I am not considering the pain of my father, my mother who always supported me, hammered me to get the proper shape; restricted me though I used to get angry but they never lost their mindset and never let me to be a real “stupid” kid. They scolded me at the right time but now I’m doing nothing than embarrassing them. My dear friends, who are my second life, gave me a huge support whenever I used to feel low, but… everything I threw in the burning coal. Many people are saying that I’ve become a careless and hopeless guy, but as I’ve promised to a very good friend of mine that, “this is my battlefield and I have to fight in it. No matter I lose or I win, I have to fight till the end” and therefore I call it as “life”. It’s going to be tough than it used to be, but I’ve to fight back. I’d like to say one thing to anybody who’s reading these crap lines of mine, “Nothing’s permanent, not even death…”